I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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