either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
