Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize