Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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