Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
