Sponge bath it is.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
