There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
