Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
