I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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