when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
