I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i will never coherently bang her
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
