i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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