Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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