On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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