Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
