batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
