Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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