i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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