Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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