Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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