I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
