its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
