I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
