I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
