my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
