the condom got lost in my hair
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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