Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
