Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
