i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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