My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
