I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
