Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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