i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I intend to get homeless drunk
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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