I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
