The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
