Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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