I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
