wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
now i know why i became what i already was.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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