im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
