Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
