so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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