You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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