Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
