I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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