Your face is a jimmy john
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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