she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
