im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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