some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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