she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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