It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
