Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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