My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This toilet bowl is my home.
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