Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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