and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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