i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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