I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
