'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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