i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
